Babe(s) and the Beast: Teach a girl how to express glands, she'll do it for a lifetime

Zoe has always had a sensitive stomach. Blame it on her genetics, blame on it us who didn't really look into her background too much (though we know she wasn't from a puppy mill), blame it on the environment; regardless of all that, we've always battled the food regurgitation, rank farts, and occasional diarrhea. We've gone to the vet countless times, performed x-rays, elevated her food bowl, changed her kibble, fed her bland baby-food instead, with various levels of success and short stints of putting our spot-bot stain remover away. At two years young, we thought she had, or at least would, grow out of this unfortunate situation. Her body and digestive tract would mature, and she would finally be able to eat rawhide bones and beggin' strips like any other spoiled dog. But it doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon.

A few days ago, we awoke to several "presents" around the house. Meaning she shit everywhere. She never has these accidents unless she REALLY has to go, obviously she wasn't feeling well. Later in the day, she started heaving and throwing up everywhere. I called her doc, Sunnyvale Veterinary Clinic, and they said to come in immediately. Let me just mention here that they are THE BEST pet clinic in all the land. They've taken care of Zoe since she was born; given her vaccinations, healed her broken metatarsal, went all Dr. House on her stomach issues, and always greeted us with the affection and familiarity of beloved royalty . They have the best staff of any business I've ever encountered. So there's my shout-out to Sunnyvale Vet.

My ovaries are gone, thanks Sunnyvale Vet!

Of course, by the time we get there, Zoe is all smiles and happy-tail-wagging. Doesn't look sick in the slightest. But they humored us anyways, proclaiming their great fortune at being able to see her and the new baby. The vet tech did the usual check-up (16.8 pounds, what a heffer!), and they didn't find anything out of the ordinary. Of course they wouldn't. This is exactly what happens when you go to the clinic feeling like shit; they take your temperature, and then tell you go home, drink water, and get some rest. And turn you around so they can ~~screw~~ present you with a $200 invoice.

Ahem.

Anyways, along with our $127 bill, we received instruction to put her on a 3-day bland diet and monitor her. They also injected her with subcutaneous fluids which made her look a body-builder, lil' doggy on steroids.

But the visit was not a total wash. I learned a very important and useful skill that day...DRAINING ANAL GLANDS! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is a talent that if overlooked, can end up costing you hundreds of dollars in either vet or dry-cleaning bills. If those suckers aren't emptied on a regular basis ($28 for a professional to perform), you will have the FOULEST of odors emanating from your couch, the car seat, the carpet, your lap, and your dog's butt. Like a mixture of iron-y blood, fish guts, and rotten meat, all sitting in the hot sun for thirty days, then shoved into a small tunnel to ferment some more. Thank GOD babies don't have anal glands.

Since I'm ~~cheap~~ frugal, I opted for the vet tech to teach me how to perform this lovely operation by myself at home. Snap on some rubber gloves, smear some K-Y-Jelly onto my finger, and we were getting real intimate (I'm sorry I didn't buy you dinner first, Zo).

"They feel like grapes," she explained, showing me a diagram of where they were positioned (8:00 and 4:00, FYI), "Just milk them toward the anus."

WTF? Is $28 really all that bad? I am a selectively squeamish person. Snot, vomit, poop, I can handle. Putting a wriggling worm on a hook, I cannot. This experience was like no other. Satisfying in the way popping a really big pimple can be. Repulsive in the way...god, I can't even describe the stench when the liquid started to drip out. I swear, if you could concentrate and bottle this stuff, it would be grade-A bio-weaponry. Countries would surrender in seconds.

Once the dirty deed was completed and Zoe looked at me with shame and betrayal in her eyes, I realized that it wasn't THAT bad...I could handle this once every couple of months, right? They even sent us home with a couple pictures in case I forgot the geography of her rectal walls.