I'm reading books again (Ian McEwan. Love.) I'm writing. I'm re-discovering old music I loved from my high school and college days, as well as finding new bands to fall in love with for the first time. As my friend said in a meeting on Friday night, "Follow your bliss, man."
That same friend also mentioned something else she heard in another meeting (it's like telephone!) that I really loved:
"Act as if everything you do matters, because it does."
Hmmm...it doesn't sound as profound when I'm writing it down now, but it touched a nerve in me that night and I'm still thinking about it two days later. Maybe it means so much to me because I know that when you are actively addicted to drugs or alcohol, nothing else really matters to you. The pain you cause others, the pain you cause yourself. You numb yourself against facing the consequences and wreckage your actions have wrought. And you have to believe that none of it matters, because than the pain of what you are doing becomes unbearable...
I turned 18 months old on Friday. It could have, should have, would have been 3 years had I not experienced a slight hiccup (cough, relapse, cough) 18 months ago, but that is completely irrelevant at this point. I am beyond grateful for every 24 hours that passes where I do not have to take something to change the way I feel. I am grateful that I am present for my life, and I can experience the things I did this weekend with people who I love.
Service was big part of my weekend. Giving without expecting anything in return. How much of our lives do we spend doing that? Me, not nearly enough. I think most of my early life was spent thinking about what I got out of everything...even if it sometimes appeared as though I helped someone or did anything estimable. I desired acknowledgement and ego-feeding validation for it. "Look guys, I volunteered at a homeless shelter today! Aren't I a modern-day Mother Theresa?"
Self-centered to the extreme.
But today isn't about beating myself up for the past. I know I gave my time and energy to good causes this weekend, genuinely expecting nothing in return. I'm trying to make living amends to myself and others every day. And surprise surprise, I still got something in return anyways. I got to be outside of my head for just a few hours--not thinking about what I wanted or needed--I was able to just exist in the world and be one of many. Service rocks.
This post probably isn't making any sense at this point. I just wanted to get certain things off my chest and I guess that's what a personal blog is for. I'll post some funny pics of Louie in his Halloween costume soon--we went to a costume birthday party on Saturday and it was a mighty struggle getting Addie to wear either her bumble-bee or ballerina outfit so I haven't snapped many of her yet. And I'm also thinking about both Addie's and Louie's birth stories, since I visited a close friend who had her second son last night/early morning. Something about walking into her hospital room this afternoon flooded me with some unexpected emotions and memories, so I think it's time I finally write about it.
But for now, I sleep.
xo
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