The Tale of Adeline, Part IV

(For Part I, click here. For Part II, click here. For Part III, click here.)

I came to in the recovery room and it felt like I had been hit by a car.** Every part of my body ached. My midwife's face appeared and she began to slip slivers of ice into my mouth. I wasn't thinking about my new baby, I was thinking about how this was the worst pain I had ever been in. I would pass out, wake up, eat some ice, pass out, wake up, eat more ice. I woke up and my bed was being moved to the room I would stay in for the next three nights. The fog began to clear in my head and the need to see and hold Addie became overwhelmingly sharp.

As we entered my room, I saw Zach standing there holding a large bundle of blankets. He was beaming. Once they transferred me to my new bed, my midwife unraveled the blankets and placed her onto my chest. I remember everyone watching my reaction, witnessing our first proper meeting, and wishing that Addie and I could be alone. I pored over her, taking in her littleness. Pink hands. Bright heather eyes. A slight shock of soft black hair. She wanted to nurse immediately so I obliged, feeling weird that I was sitting there half-naked with people all around me. It was an out-of-body experience for the next hour while family, nurses, doctors, and lactation consultants cycled in and out of the room. Zach left for supplies at the nearest grocery store. My mother and sister said good-bye. One minute there were ten satellites orbiting around our bed, and then in the next, we were alone in the Universe.

"Hi. I'm your mom," I whispered to her.

It was then, as we lay there body against body, skin to skin, that I began to experience the first inkling of motherly love. It was still hard to believe she was mine, that she was what I carried around as a part of me for nine months. She was too beautiful and perfect for what seemed like such a turbulent way to enter this world. I softly cried as she nursed, apologizing over and over for letting this happen.

I thought I could protect you.

*******

The next three nights we spent at the hospital were rocky. Besides recovering from the surgery, I felt a perpetual undercurrent of anxiety running through me...a combination of post-partum hormones, pain medication, and sleep deprivation. We were completely unprepared for a hospital stay. I didn't have any of the creature comforts I had for Louie's birth--no computer, no personal pillow or pajamas, not even my toothbrush. I was such a nervous wreck that I stayed in the same hospital gown for three days straight without showering or even brushing my teeth. When the doctor signed an early discharge form after I asked the nurses whether I could leave for the 6,784th time, we didn't have a "coming home outfit" for Addie--just an old, oversized boys onesie and sleeper. I wore the same stinky sweatpants and mens t-shirt I arrived in during my labor.

It's safe to say we were a hot mess when we walked out of the hospital on that wintery gray morning, December 31st. We rang in the New Year that night lying in bed with Adeline in our arms. And somewhere deep within me, I knew that everything would be okay.

**Edited 11/2--I forgot to mention why I blacked out at the end of the last post. I was put under general anesthesia for emergency because I was bleeding excessively and saying that I could feel pain which was NOT good. I didn't know they were going to put me under. I woke up incredibly groggy and feeling sick from both the surgery and the meds. The doctor told me that my muscles were almost "watery" from being in labor and working for so long, so when they tried to stitch up my uterus the thread was coming out of the muscle. Yikes. Anyways, yeah, that's it.