I'm going to read a book titled Whole Child/Whole Parent by Polly Berends as soon as it gets here from San Francisco Salvation Army (15 cents=win!). Yesterday I read this quote from the book:
"Never miss an opportunity to allow a child to do something she can and wants to on her own. Sometimes we're in too much of a rush—and she might spill something, or do it wrong. But whenever possible she needs to learn, error by error, lesson by lesson, to do better. And the more she is able to learn by herself the more she gets the message that she's a kid who can."
This morning, I gave Addie a cup of kefir. Not in a sippy cup, and not while sitting in her high chair. Free to roam the house with an open container. I knew the possible ramifications of this but thought I would try anyways.
Sure enough ten minutes later as she's playing with her toys on the coffee table, she knocked the half-filled cup over and kefir splattered everywhere. I held my breath for a second and felt a flash of annoyance toward both of us. Why did I even chance it when I knew this would happen?
I watched her reaction, a slightly panicked look spreading across her face as she scurried away from the mess and turned around to see what I would do. It broke my heart that she immediately assumed she was in trouble for accidentally spilling a drink.
I'm already messing it all up. I'm crushing her spirit. I suck at this. Old thoughts of negativity and defeat started to creep in.
I slowly breathed out. I remembered what I had read the night before. I knew that I, too, could learn from my past experiences. That I would do better this time. I gave Addie a smile, retrieved paper towels from the kitchen, and started to clean up the puddles.
"Help?" She reached out a hand.
I gave her a square and she began swiping the floor back and forth.
Five minutes later, she tripped while holding her cup and spilled a little more kefir in the hallway. She came and got me this time, and we cleaned it up together.
********
Too often I've reacted impatiently to Addie's accidents or challenges. Whether it's because she wants to put on her shoes by herself (making us twenty minutes late), or she insists on holding the shopping basket for me at Target (which is so big she can barely walk with it, making us twenty minutes late), it's a daily struggle for me to relinquish control to this little individual and let her learn things on her own terms, at her own pace. But I am aware of what is happening now--how my reactions are affecting her, and in turn, how her reactions are affecting me.
So every day is becoming an act of letting go. Letting go of old behaviors and habits that keep me from growing. Letting go of controlling the uncontrollable, of fearing that I'm making all the wrong decisions, of expecting things to happen overnight. I think that even as adults we're in too much of a rush with ourselves, getting angry at our own mistakes, failing to see the value in the lesson and focusing only on the failure. If only we treated ourselves with the same compassion and patience we try to give our children, or others we love.
She is leading me through new paths, this one.
2 comments:
Love your thoughts here, and how you've dimensionalized Addie's learning process. You are not only showing great patience and restraint, but looking at Addie's learning process from a variety of perspectives. To that end, it was great to see how you were rewarded by Addie's positive response and how quickly and completely that came about. Very heartening.
Don't forget that there are inherited aspects of personality that give you a base from which to work with in shaping behavior. I see aspects of Addie's personality similar to yours at that age, and to what I imagine Zach's to have been as well. Count your blessings!
No doubt I would not have conducted this learning experience in quite the way you have, but I think you had the opportunity to do it as a young child growing up at Baa-chan's. For myself it comes down to a pet peeve against cleaning up liquids from flat surfaces. I found other ways to test you and allow you to fail freely -- outside! :-)
Love,
Papa
Thanks, Pops. It's been a rollercoaster ride since having her come into my life--I think about what it might have been like for you when I was two years old. It's disarming when you see bits of your personality come through in your children. I just want her to grow up happy, like we all do.
Believe me, it's a pet peeve cleaning liquids off the floor for me as well!
Love you, Cherub
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