The Unbearable Heaviness of Being

Yes, a tad melodramatic on the title, but that's how I'm rollin' tonight. 

I am completely overwhelmed about being a parent. About being a grown-up (or pretending to be). I was so envious of the people having dinner and drinks on the sidewalk while I pushed the stroller past them for our evening stroll.  Zach and I have been arguing having discussions about our responsibilities as parents and partners. This is all a normal part of life. So WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FUCK-UP?  Why can't I ever push my life beyond "ordinary" and into "extraordinary"? Because I procrastinate too much? Because I'm filled with fear of failure? Because my brain has disintegrated into dust? 

If you look around and all you see is shit, get your head out of your ass. 

I heard that on Friday night, and I laughed because it rang so true. 99.9999% of all the problems in my life derive from one source...me. I can't point the finger at any outside person, place, or thing for the way I'm feeling because I'm CHOOSING to feel this way. I'm in that place where you know you feel like shit, you know you want/need to change things in a big way, but you don't know what the first step is. Get back into school? Chop off my hair? Become a vegetarian? 

When I say those things, it reminds me of what I've done in the past. When I was unhappy, I would try to change the outside scenery. I'd move, or dye my hair. I changed my friends, home, occupation, persona. I would run, run, run. And I today I know that none of this works. It doesn't fix the unease gnawing inside of you. The dissatisfaction and restlessness. The self-loathing. As god-awful corny as it sounds, if you don't change from within, it doesn't matter if you have a big house, a beautiful family, a nice car, or an impressive career. You can't appreciate any of it because of how ugly you feel. Trust me, I know from experience. 

So here is my first little step--getting my thoughts back out there and holding myself accountable for change. Tomorrow, I'm going to help others. Be of service by watching a friend's daughter, picking my sister up from the train station, and going to a meeting with my girlfriend. 

Get out of self. 

"Grant that I may seek rather to comfort, than to be comforted--to understand, than to be understood--to love, than to be loved.  For it is by self-forgetting that ones finds..."