It's been a month since my last post. Why? Mostly due to fear. And doubt. Something that I've dealt with so often in the past, and have been working to overcome the past few years with increased success. But it rears it's ugly head all the time. Fear of failure, fear of judgement from others, fear of making mistakes. Fear of living a life of mediocrity. I feel like I'm in a state of limbo. Sometimes I'm confident and peaceful in the situation I am right now as a mother who is taking care of her young child. Other times, I feel panicked. Anxious about finishing school and establishing what I'm supposed to do as a career. Rediscovering my passions. The thing that moves me wake up in the morning and make me a better version of myself. A better mother, partner, and friend.
I'm starting a new project on the side this week and I'll be posting the results on my blog--it's not of my invention but I was inspired to finally start it after this past month of non-creativity. Hopefully it will be the impetus to start working on other goals I have been procrastinating.
On a lighter note, things in the P-J household are well. Addie is growing--her body lengthening and stretching thinner and thinner. I saw her ribs today and worried we weren't feeding her enough, which is an outrageous statement considering she eats more than Zach and I put together. I could say her favorite meal is lamb and eggplant but in truth, she will devour all that is placed before her. All of her baby fat is melting away, revealing a beautiful little girl with bright, blue-green eyes and a gap-toothed smile. Her light auburn hair shows the beginning of wispy curls that frame her face. I can't believe this little person came from me.
She is welcoming and sweet to all strangers. She's stubborn as all wiggly hell when we try to get a new diaper or clothes on her. She loves Mr. Noodle on Sesame Street (yes, I finally succumbed to letting her watch television). She always tries to sneak into the kitchen and play in Zoe's food and water bowls when I'm not watching. She falls asleep on her stomach and her body undulates as we gently rub her back. She can pick up food and feed herself. She learned to crawl this past month, but it's not a normal crawl, it's a gimpy crawl where one foot stays grounded beside her and propels her forward so only one knee has to make contact with the hardwood floor. Drumming to her own beat, this one. She is still head over heels in love with Zoe, especially now that she can follow her around the house (much to Zo's chagrin). She clings to me whenever she is scared or tired or needs comfort. I am her source of love and laughter and nourishment and security. I love this girl more than I thought was humanly possible. Super-human love.
I know I've already said before that I would be better about writing consistently and I've failed at that promise. What can I say, I'm an imperfect human being who is still learning how to be accountable to herself and others, stumbling every bit of the way. What counts is that I don't give up altogether; I keep writing, keep singing my story, I keep waking up and praying that I live this day for all it's worth.
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