flowers from my father

I 'm conflicted about telling this story (you'll see why) but I think it's necessary since it's been on my mind since May 27th. The day Zach and I were married.

photo credit: John Olmsted

We decided to get married one week before the 27th. The extent of my planning included: calling San Francisco City Hall registrar, booking a small public ceremony, buying my dress at Anthropologie and nice clothes for Zach at Banana Republic, and informing my family that they were to meet us at 12:30 on Thursday. I purposely kept it as low-key and stress-free as possible.

Still, I felt nervous the day of the ceremony and regretted that I hadn't thought it through more carefully. My legs weren't shaved. Both of us needed haircuts. The shoes I bought didn't really match my dress. I didn't even order a bouquet. A bit of bridezilla began to creep in as I called local florists to see if they could whip up something within the hour, only to be told that they couldn't. Panicked, I threw a bunch of scrap ribbon, fabric, and scissors into the car at the last minute, thinking we could at least stop by Trader Joe's and pick up some tulips or lilies. No roses...

We left the house too late to pick up any flowers at the store, and then hit traffic on I-280. I could feel my anxiety level rising. We're going to be late for our registration appointment and they'll cancel the ceremony, I thought, and I don't even have any damn flowers on my wedding day. And I look really fat in my dress (well, I was six month pregnant at the time. dummy.).

What actually happened: we pulled up at the steps of City Hall with five minutes to spare and scored a great parking spot right out front. My father and step-mother were visiting from Washington, and they parked their car in front of ours. We were back on track.

I hurried over to my father's car to give the two further instructions, when a man standing a few feet away from me on the sidewalk suddenly spoke.

"Flowers, miss?"

He was not from America. Possibly East Indian, but I wasn't sure. He held a large bundle of red roses and he looked cold and desperate. I automatically said no thank you and didn't give him a second thought, turning back to talk to my father through the passenger window.

"Flowers, miss?"

"No THANK you." I rolled my eyes at no one in particular.

I continued to ignore his requests to please buy a flower as we pulled our clothes out of the trunk, filled the parking meters, and started walking up the steps. I turned around when I noticed that my dad wasn't with us. He was still standing on the sidewalk, having a conversation with the man. My father had a serious, sympathetic look on his face, and his hand rested on the man's shoulder. It looked like the man with the flowers was crying.

"Seriously?" I said in a loud, exasperated voice.

I was annoyed because this was typical behavior for my father. Always trying to meet strangers on the street, listen to their stories. And it usually meant that we were late to wherever we happened to be going. What followed is the part of the story I feel most ashamed of. I was so concerned about myself and my special day that I felt nothing but resentment toward the man and my father for taking attention off the task at hand...me, me, me.

"He's probably faking it so he'll buy a stupid flower," I muttered to my sister, her boyfriend, and Zach.

Minus my father and step-mother, the group of us walked into the building and went through security. They joined us five minutes later, my father holding four roses in his hand.

"WHY did you buy those? He was probably just crying so you'd feel sorry for him!"

The look on my father's face revealed a mixture of emotion: concern, sadness, compassion, and ultimately, a little disappointment at my self-centered and jaded reaction.

"No...he was really crying, Ariel,"

He went on to explain the plight of the poor man. How he came to the States to meet family. How a series of unfortunate events had left him homeless with no money to return to his country. How he didn't even have enough money for his next meal. So my father gave him twenty dollars in exchange for the roses. He hugged the man with the flowers and wished him luck for a better today and tomorrow.

"And now you have flowers for your wedding," he added.

Oh.

I was smacked with guilt...and still, anger. I felt very selfish, privately wishing all of this didn't have to happen right before we were getting married. Why did he have to stop and talk the man? Why couldn't he be more like me and the rest of the world and ignore those men and women on the street? Look the other way and go about his life?

The answers are always the same.

Because my father is good man.

(I shouldn't have expected differently. I remember when he worked as a barista in a Seattle coffee shop years ago and befriended a homeless man. He would let the man wash up in the restroom and gave him money for a couple tools (a shovel?) that the man offered to sell him. It was clear that the man suffered from mental illness, especially when he returned to the shop one day demanding that my father return the tools to him (my dad refused), but I clearly recall loving my dad for being the way he was at that time and has always has been...kind and respectful to everyone.)

I ended up with flowers on our wedding day. My step-mother took the roses, scrap lace and ribbon, a paper towel from the public bathroom, and artfully transformed them into a sweet little bouquet for me. It wasn't professionally made and I wouldn't have picked roses myself, but it was perfect. Because regardless of whether or not I wanted that man to briefly enter our lives, whether he was lying or telling the truth, whether I acted like a brat and then learned an important lesson in humility, I am grateful for the way everything happened. For the important lesson I held in both hands as I married the man I loved. For my father's act of kindness to grace us that special day.

*****

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Let's all be grateful for the blessings in our lives...

xo, Ariel

Grateful Labor Day

1. The weather was beautiful all three days, both in Pacific Grove and Campbell. Sun was bright and happy, but the breeze kept us cool.

2. We were able to spend the day with my sister on her actual birthday, something I haven't done in at least five or six years. It was fun going for walks in downtown PG and Carmel, eating sushi, and hanging out at home.

3. Zach and I puttered around the yard, clipping and mowing and being all grown-up-like. It was fun except when Zach watched me prune the bushes like a hawk, mentioning every ten seconds how poor of a job I was doing. This isn't the gardens of Versailles, buddy (but I appreciate your attention to detail)!

4a. Today, we went to the birthday party of Addie's buddy, A., who turned the big numero UNO on the same day as my sister. It was birthday madness this entire weekend, four people I knew celebrated them.

4b. PLUS, a little boy celebrated his entrance into the world on the 6th. So make that five birthdays. Congratulations to the V. family! Can't wait to meet S.'s little brother.

4c. And Happy Birthday to my Great-Grandmother, Doris, or Granny as she is known to all, who turned 99 today. She's lived a long, interesting, sometimes difficult life; surviving the Depression, running a family and a farm, raising her two young grandsons when she probably thought she was through with the kid portion of life. I hope she ate lots of chocolate cake and her favorite Italian prunes today...

5. Many little things I'm happy for this weekend: Peet's Lemon Rose Tea, Zach's new job letting him have the Monday off, homeopathic teething tablets, Zoe's infinite patience, my awesome camera that I'm beginning to use again, celebrations of life, cupcakes with melted icing, messages from friends on Facebook, my comfy bed with soft sheets, talking to my parents on the phone.

Being able to recognize the blessings in my life.

Good night, A.

Grateful Mondays--On time edition

I've been feeling better since I wrote this post. It's very refreshing to trust these days that I may experience some depression/anxiety once in awhile, but it's not TRAGEDY of TRAGEDIES and oh-woe-is-me-i'll-drink-my-sorrows-away, as it once was.  It's like, ok, I'm feeling funky today, let me call some friends and connect, wallow for two minutes, then get off my butt and do something. ANYTHING. The key word being "do", as in take action--go for a walk, finish the laundry, sit in a coffee shop and people-watch. And remember that for every moment of misery you may be feeling in the present, there's joy you felt at some point in your past, and you will feel it again in your future.  

The best remedy for me lately is being connected to the people in my life. Depression begets isolation begets more depression, and it's hard to break the cycle once you're in that downward spiral. The phone is an amazing tool once you've stopped convincing yourself that you hate talking to people on the phone (like I did). Even if it's a slightly awkward conversation, it still means something that you even tried. I had to practice for a long time, calling up random people I had just met, and saying, "Hi, it's Ariel. I'm just practicing. Ok, bye." click. Weird, I know, but those people understood. 

Here we go:

1. Zach is back from his business trip. Yay! So done with being a single mom--lasted one week. TONS of respect to single moms, dads, grandparents out there raising kids by themselves. Saints, ye be. 

2. Spoke at a meeting tonight. Felt like a 5th grade science student teaching particle physics to the Large Hadron Collider team, but whatever. Happy to see so many smiling faces and get 52930 hugs. 

3. Delicious donut from Satura Cakes. Made with ORGANIC sugar, whatever that counts for.

4. We're almost finished with the move. Good thing the leases overlapped a month because I am a Procrastinatrix-5000 and have yet to unpack half the boxes currently clogging our guest bedroom.

5. Addie is sleeping 11 hours at night. 11 hours! I'm doing a happy-robot dance right now, because I actually get eight hours of sleep again. Sleep, elusive sleep, I've missed you like a long-lost lover for 7 months. Reunited and it feels so good. 

6. Got my camera out again. No more capturing my daughter growing up with an iPhone camera! 

Grateful (gritting teeth) Mondays

I knew that living in a house would be more work than an apartment, but moving in and making a few upgrades, all while hoisting a babe on my hip, is getting to me.  Also not helping that my car thermometer read 94 DEGREES outside when it was 4:30 in the afternoon as we were heading over THE HOUSE WITH NO AC to unpack some more. To make things even more super-duper-fun-time, I realized that I had forgotten the house keys just as we were arriving, and Addie was already getting fussy in the back, totally unsatisfied with her water bottle, giraffe, personal car keys, rattles, and book (too many choices, mayhaps?).  WIET H)PQQU# *U#@* WOEIH. That's what my head feels like right now. 

Zach is still over there (it's 10pm), wiring Cat-6 cable within the walls and being all manly with his dremmels and drills and full-on bodysuit/goggles/headlamp he wears to go underneath the house. God, I wish I could post this photo I just took of him right now, but I took it with my iphone* and am way too lazy to transfer it now. Later, though... 

Back to business. Let's see how the list goes...my mind is currently blank. 

1. There is a tub of Scharffenberger chocolate pudding from Whole Foods sitting in the fridge, but it won't be there for very long. 

2. Zoe and Addie love the new house. We sat in the backyard tonight as the sun was disappearing, listening to crickets and watching birds fly overhead. Playing with the grass and laughing. Zoe zooming across the driveway, spinning like a black fire-cracker, and then taking off again. 

3. My mother is visiting our family in Japan--she gave my grandfather and grandmother each a photo album of Adeline. I miss my family a lot, but I'm grateful that they are hanging in there (health-wise) and we will be visiting them at the end of the year. 

4. My order from Urban Outfitters came in the mail today and I'm in love with the canvas prints I bought for Addie's new room (she has a room! With butterflies and pink robots and a little sheepskin rug!).  Here's one of them. 

5. I got a shower in today. 

*I've realized that owning an iphone makes you waaaay too dependent on a single technological device--yes, it saves me from having to carry around an mp3 player, phone, planner, camera, Zagat guide, constellation map, and my ocarina, but it's also making me forget to take quality photos with my REAL camera...hence, the skimpiness of the cute pics lately. Here, I'll distract you with this July photo of Addie meditating/doing yoga: 

Namaste.

Grateful (Punctual) Mondays

I'm on time! Although it hasn't felt like a Monday since Zach stayed home from the office to finish a crazy deadline. I could go off about his job at the moment but it would take ten angry posts, and I'm supposed to be writing this to make happy, peaceful, Ariel, not rage-filled, protective-of-her-family, Ariel. So another time...

1.) I'm sitting next to a dirty diaper, which I could care less about, with Zach and a slumbering Zoe on the other side. I look over at them every night and smile and feel happy. 

2.) I was offered by five different friends to baby-sit Addie so I could actually get some housework and packing done without stopping every five minutes to entertain her. And I trust all of them to watch her. 

3.) We got the keys to the house we are renting this past weekend. Unbelievably lucky...like, holy-shit-how-did-we-get-so-lucky, to be able to afford renting this adorable house in a great location that is in close proximity to at least six or seven friends. And farmer's market. And the community center. And Trader Joe's and Recycle Books and Tiny Tots and the jogging trail! 

4.) Addie is sleeping. 'Nuff said. 

5.) Went to a meeting today and was able to catch up with good folk, and listen to fellow people in recovery talk about how drastically their lives have changed for the better. Amazing. 

Breathe in...breathe out. Nothing is so terrible in the world that I cannot enjoy this moment right now.  

Good night, A. 

At a recent wedding we went to. 

Grateful Mondays...always a day late

Oh, who am I kidding, I'll never make it on Monday! 

This is definitely a good day to make one, I've been feeling like c.r.a.p. with some sort of stomach bug that has me running to the bathroom every half hour...ok, I'll stop there. 

1.) I have an incredibly helpful, patient, and loving family---particularly my mom and sister the past two days, who have held, played with, and bathed Adeline, even though she's been a little crazy teething baby who's cry had amplified fifty decibels (is that a lot? I'm hoping so). 

2.) These two also never raise a brow (ok, they raise them, but they have to) when my psycho dog goes berserk around the house, tears up the skid-mat under the couch cushion, jumps in the bathtub every hour (just cuz), and pulls at their sleeves so they play with her. 

3.) I got an iphone from Zach and I LOVE the photo apps that you can download. I also finally have a phone that works, which I am most grateful for.  I also got other great gifts for my b-day: a beautiful, fancy, pink!, German pen and different sizes of notepads from Kaede (so I can get my PEN on); a digital voice-recorder from my WA family so I can create interviews/shows a la This American Life, and/or just walk around with it my pocket and take it out at random times to put it front of my mouth and say, "Buy tampons." 

4.) I'm getting a massaaaaage tomorrow, courtesy of Mom (b-day gift). You have no idea how much I am looking forward to this. Since Addie was born, my body has felt perpetually out of whack--I sleep crooked, I nurse crooked, I sit crooked, I walk crooked.  I am thinking of buying this book about better posture that Kaede showed me in SF Chronicle's Datebook section. The massage should help though :) 

5.) I started working VERY part-time (one day a week) at an awesome store that sells high-quality baby products/clothes/the BEST stuffed animals. Although I'm not really making money since I immediately buy things I see there for Addie, it's fun to get out for awhile and mingle with people. 

Ah...I feel better already. They (the government? teachers? your mama?) should make everybody do these lists, better then a drink, they are. 

Good night everyone, A.

Grateful Mondays...one day late

1.) I'm starting a fun, new job tomorrow.

2.) I have great friends who are able to watch Addie while I train at fun, new job. 

3.) We just signed a contract to rent an incredible house in my favorite part of town.

4.) I turn a quarter of a century old tomorrow, and I'm happy for that.

5.) Beast is no longer shooting fluids out both ends, she seems healthy and content. 

6.) I just got flowers from Zach. He came home early with gerber daisies.

xo, A

I'm grateful for sweet potatoes!